The Universal Guide to Derek Souzas
by BiblioCentric
Summary: By Chloe Saunders (Or ten easy rules/tip things about dating nerdy, unsocial, bad-tempered werewolves)


A/N A break from writing my wattpad stories, and now that it's done I'm going to bed. Enjoy.

R&R Rated T to be safe.

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Universal Guide to Derek Souzas

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Within the six months that I've devoted to Derek, I've noticed an almost imperceptible pattern to him. His quirks, his peeves, his tendencies, and his behavior have all been imprinted into my mind, creating this tiny secret compartment within my heart that I like to call: The Derek X-Files.

Don't think I've been spending my time charting down everything Derek does, or noting how he reacts to certain stimuli, or calculating his next fifty steps. No. All I've been doing is putting together a mental scrapbook of all my favorite things about Derek, which, over the six months we've been together, has grown considerably.

I realize now that my scrapbook has not only become a list of things he does that makes me blush and smile, it has also become an unofficial guide to being his semi-not-really-perfect-but-getting-there girlfriend. I'm not saying Derek Souza wants perfection. I mean he _is _dating me. All I'm saying is that he deserves something close.

So without further ado, it is my slight secret pleasure to present this:

The Universal Guide to Derek Souzas*  
(Or ten easy rules about dating nerdy, unsocial, bad-tempered werewolves)  
*the names optional of course.

Before we start, there are certain requirements your boyfriend has to meet:

One :He has to be display his introvert personality. It's a big part of why he is who he is.

Two: He has to be protective, "not stalk you in the middle of the night and watch you sleep" protective, just concerned.

Three: He has to be close to you. I mean _really_ close to you. Like this boy knows what your deepest darkest thoughts are all about.

Four: He has to be significantly intelligent. Intelligence is a _huge_ trait among Derek Souzas everywhere.

And finally the last requirement, but most definitely the biggest requirement of them all:

5: He has to be a werewolf.

OK Let's commence.

Rule One: Food

Let's just say that a happy tummy makes a happy Derek which makes a happy Chloe.

Derek Souzas eat like I watch movies, which is frequently, but there are certain things they like to eat more than others. For instance: Meat. You _must_ feed him meat! Don't try to force him into an ultra-recyclable vegetarian diet that will surely cause him to deteriorate into a pile of bones and bad-attitude.

Simon knows what I'm talking about, because he has to eat a strict healthy diet, and seeing Derek try to eat nothing but greens in front of him is exactly like watching a puppy scratch at the refrigerator for food. It induces pity and pulls at your invisible heart strings.

Anyway, the second thing you must remember about Derek Souzas is that they don't like being hand fed. Unless it's playfully and with pebble sized grapes, do not try to be cute and give him his food. He won't bite the hand that feeds him, but he'll complain to your hand about being treated like a child and how its demeaning and embarrassing and geez…_one_ time and–ugh-never mind.

The third thing you must remember about food concerning your werewolf boyfriend is water. You spill it on him and he'll multiply into a bunch of frizzy animal puff balls. Okay no. He does, however, need a constant supply of it. Water and Derek= Smiley face Derek, where he does that cute little involuntary thing with the corners of his green eyes.

So far it sounds like I'm giving you advice to take care of your dog, but this is pretty much how it is for all men.

Anyhow, the last thing you MUST remember about Derek Souzas around the world, and their food, is that you never…NEVER EVER…feed them after midnight.

They get horrible stomach aches.

Technically Derek fed himself, but I was there when he rummaged through the refrigerator and I could have stopped it. But I assumed since he _just_ Changed that everything would be alright. Oh no. Next morning, he's cringing in bed in the fetal position like Simon once did when he found out his precious Comic Con convention was being cancelled. Pfft, and _that's_ when his Dad informs me that Derek shouldn't have eaten right before he went to bed.

Oye Vay.

Rule Two: Dates and Seduction

Let your Derek pick the spot you want to go to. Not because he wants to, but because it's always fun to watch him guess.

A lot of people would think Derek would just _ask_ me where I want to go. He never does. He loves the challenge of having to drag me around town until he finds a place where he thinks I'd enjoy hanging out. Usually the movies, a bookstore, and an ice-cream shop, sometimes the forest, rarely a restaurant. A Derek Souza mind works like a brand new engine, efficiently and constantly. He's always thinking. _What would she like to do? Where would she want to go? Would there be food? God I sure hope so._

The basics.

And if he does get tired of guessing you can always tell him you want to hang out in his room.

He'll get the picture.

During a date you don't have to worry about making the wrong type of conversation. Derek Souzas don't care what you talk about as long as they're hearing your voice. Something I have to keep reminding myself of is that not all guys are like Derek. Most boys would stay away from a girl who talks about blood and guts on her first date. Not Derek. On our second date we even jumped to talking about sex, which is how we discovered we weren't ready for it.

So when you're on a date with a Derek Souza remember to be _you._ If he's a true Derek Souza he'll even force you to be you.

Andiamo!

Seduction is futile. If he's studying don't try to cleverly lure him into your bedroom to make out. He'll know what you're up to immediately. If you're stubborn (like I am) and still want to try, here are some helpful tricks:

Do this all the time: Kiss him on the cheek and mention that you're going to watch a *Ryan Gosling* movie, preferably Crazy Stupid Love. Jealousy goes a very long way.

*Or someone else he knows you're in love with*

Do this occasionally: Wear those stupid furry hats with ears that he hates, because the only reason he hates them is because they make you look ridiculous and cute. Sarcastically tell him you want to look the part of his werewolf girlfriend and he'll attempt to take it off. When he's near, teasingly inform him that you once woke up naked wearing nothing but aforementioned furry hat.*#

Watch him blush.

Claim your prize. Aka: His lips.

*This line will only work once so save it for a drastic situation.# It is also optional.

Do this rarely: Make really small jokes about Zoophilia, jokes you know he won't take seriously, he'll get super aggravated with you which will entitle you to apologize, giving you complete and utter access to his lips. Trust me. If he thinks he's getting an apology, you're good to go.

Rule Three: Making Out.

Derek Souzas aren't generally touchy people. They're like cats who don't like to be around crowds or noise, so they stick to the shadows, only coming out for food.

So before making out remember this helpful acronym: KISS

Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Don't attempt to do anything elaborate with your tongue or hands, because more than likely you'll both end up feeling embarrassed after your very first make out within the backseat of his dad's car. Simply let him touch _you_, and let love take over. Or hormones. Whichever you feel comfortable with.

PDA should be kept to a minimum, not because he's uncomfortable with it, but because he isn't. Derek Souzas don't care what people think. Once he's got you, you're not escaping. Audience or not.

Now I don't know about height within the Derek Souza species, but if they're all werewolves then they're bound to be big and tall. (Not that I'm complaining.) So if you don't want to be crushed by all that man, you might want to consider kissing while sitting on his lap, lying on your side, or lying on his stomach.

If you're feeling brave and want to lie on your back, make sure you have tons of pillows underneath you.

I'm not going to stress this enough though. PILLOWS=IMPORTANT=NO BACK PAIN

Making out can be tricky, it's only fun and games when you take into consideration both you and your partner's needs.

I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable right now, so I'm switching _off_ this topic.

Rule Number Four: Petty Arguing.

He's wrong. Even when he's right, he's wrong.

Rule Number Five: Secrets.

When you trust someone as much as I trust Derek Souza, you tend to want to tell him things that no one else knows about you. This is why being so close to Derek is so utterly important, because Derek Souzas always listen and remember what you tell them.

This is a personal favorite within my Derek X-Files.

You shouldn't go spewing your secrets to the first guy who confesses his undying love for you, because your secrets are a test that determine whether your prospective _soulmate_ loves you or not. If he's freaked out by your secrets then he's not worthy of that certain three letter phrase, but if he's willing to accept them then there's your cue. Screw the stuff you watch on television about the Guy Codes or Girl Codes that insist on having secrets between you and your partner.

I'm not implying that you should be ruthlessly honest with him, because a tiny white lie comes in handy now and again.

"_No Derek, I didn't throw away your Pi sweater." _It smelled. It smelled so bad.

"_Of course I love it when you teach me algebra!" _Even when I already passed the class.

"_I don't rub your tummy when you're asleep." _Oh c'mon! It's adorable.

The truth can be a double-edged sword, but with Derek Souza it doesn't take long to know how to use.

Rule Number Six: Friends.

Don't trust friends with dating advice. I repeat. Do not trust friends with dating advice.

Be particularly careful with friends named Tori and Simon. They may look and sound like they know what they're talking about but they do not. Regardless of the fact that they've dated countless of other people, Simons and Toris don't know much about dating Derek Souzas.

Derek is my anti-social teddy bear. He's plushy but doesn't warm up to most people. His other friend, Daniel Bianchi, would tell you the same thing. Well—erg—not the _exact_ same thing, just that he's anti-social.

He has a tendency to think the worst of people. Take me for instance. I apparently had nothing better to do then to pine for his brother and be an easily controllable pawn in his plot to get us out of Lyle house.

Boy was he wrong.

Over all when it comes to new friends make sure to warn Derek. He can be easily scared.

Rule Number Seven: Severe Arguments.

It's inevitable. There are always going to be massive fights in where neither of you are right. Do not back down and do not ignore the problem. This isn't a case of 'being the bigger person'. If the problem goes unsolved then it will eat away at both of you. This is what happened when we fought over that boy. The guy Derek crippled.

One of the more serious things in my X-Files about Derek, has to do with the size of his soul. He has such an enormous heart, even though he acts like he hasn't one sometimes. And because of the abundant space in his metaphysical heart, his feelings are intense.

Guilt being the strongest among those feelings.

He blames himself for everything.

Don't let him. Remind him that he isn't a beast. Remind him that it was an accident and though it doesn't make it ok, it surely doesn't make him a monster.

I haven't fought about safety restrictions with Derek in forever, but if that comes up: Compromise, and remember he cares about your safety. He isn't an Edward Cullen and _definitely not_ a Jacob Black. He won't lock you in a panic room and throw away the key.

Rule Number Eight: Making Up and Restrictions.

No sex. Period. That _includes_ oral sex. (According to Derek: "_STD's are easily transferred through oral sexual activity. Tori is an ignoramus if she thinks oral sex doesn't count as sex) _Geez you'd think teenagers these days would pick up a pamphlet or two. Believe it or not, I'm incredibly proud of my virginity. It's not a question of religion or morality. It's just an awesome feeling being able to say you _didn't_ spread your legs open to the first boy who said, "I love you"

So when it comes to making up, sex is a no no, but everything else goes. *wink*

Rule Number Nine: Guardians.

My Aunt Lauren and Derek's Dad are _exceptionally _vigilant. If I even think about Derek lustfully I swear one of the them is waiting for me around the corner.

You don't even want to know what happened when Derek fell asleep in full wolf form, next to me, and then somehow managed to change back the next day.

We weren't allowed to even look at each other for two weeks.

My Aunt Lauren doesn't hate Derek, because she sees now that I couldn't be safer without him. Derek doesn't hate my Aunt Lauren, because he understands the feelings that course through her head. B_ut Kit and Aunt Lauren need to seriously stop barging in on us!_

Sorry.

Guardians are going to be a huge pain in the neck, especially when you're dating a Derek Souza. So just make sure not to do anything that will land you on Parent Probation. Or the PP.

Finally, Rule Number Ten: Saying I Love You.

I haven't done this yet, but if you're reading this you can tell that I wholeheartedly do love him. And if your dating a Derek Souza then _help me out._

Rule number ten is going to have to wait.

But certainly not for long.

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"Chloe, baby, what's up? You've been locked up in your room for ages."

"Oh shoot, I forgot pet names!"

"Um...what?"


End file.
